Looking for Questions

I haven’t posted in a while due to a severe case of writer’s block and a whole lot going on.  I’ve had a lot of interesting half-thoughts though.  Eventually, I hope to turn some of those into blog posts.  But for now, all I’ve got is a Best Of:

Waiting for Jude
With two weeks before our official due date, we are still awaiting the arrival of our little one. Krista feels pretty good, and has actually enjoyed being pregnant, though I hear that’s not the normal experience.  I attribute her experience to the fact that she is non-toxic, pure granola girl.  Keep an eye out, as I’ll be using my website to post pictures within days after he is born.

Contract on a House

We are excited about the possibility of closing on a house at the end of August!  We made an offer on a house in Franklin, hoping that the seller would be willing to delay closing until that time, and somewhat to my surprise, it worked out.  It’s a great-looking place with most of the items on our wish list.  I’ll tell more once we have officially closed later this summer, since the deal isn’t done until then (this is me, guarding against disappointment).

Ellie’s Run for Africa

I ran in Ellie’s Run for Africa this morning, finishing somewhere in the top 1000, which was easy, since there were close to that number of people in the race.  It’s one of the best 5Ks in Nashville, thanks to a great cause (which you can read about here) and a great venue.  I was able to raise about $350 in sponsorships, and if you would still like to give to the cause, just follow the link (big THANKS to those of you who donated!).  Percy Warner Park is a gorgeous place, and running cross country is a nice relief compared to the usual road races.  Somehow I was given 3 as my race number, so I was thrilled to be in the single digits for the first time ever in a race.  Unfortunately, this did not mean I would receive an automatic bronze medal.

Tattoo
I’ve completed the second of three phases for the tattoo on my forearm. The purpose of it is to remind me of a core belief I have about God as my Father.  It’s the Greek text from Galatians 4:7: “No longer a slave, but a son.”  I also had a symmetrical cross put on the inside of my wrist as well.

Birthday Wish List

Finally, I know that a lot of you have been out shopping this week for my upcoming birthday (please read the sarcasm there).  Fortunately, I have discovered a perfect item that you will probably want to buy for yourself as well.  If you are into board games, check out Settlers of Catan.  Apparently it makes Monopoly look outdated and poorly designed.  Plus, it was invented in Germany, where all the great board games originate, so they tell me.  I found it here.

best of, ellie's run for africa, house, Jude Barmer, settlers of catan

My friend Terry and I are reading and discussing Gregory Boyd’s book God of the Possible, and it’s got me thinking again about whether or not God takes risks and whether or not he truly allows freedom of choice in his creation. If we did have true freedom, then we would choose what would happen in certain (but not all) scenarios.  And if God isn’t the one making the choice, isn’t that a risk for God?

Another question that is coming to mind as I read is whether or not randomness is part of God’s design. Does it shrink our theology (or our ontology) to say that God has designed us and has room for chaos?  We are unique, with purposed design, but perhaps our view of God’s sovereignty gets bigger as we begin to believe that God expects a certain amount of havoc and is not intimidated by it.

Imagine a God who accomplishes his purposes in the midst of a world full of risk and freedom. Imagine a God who rules over a world he has set loose, not to abandon, but to love and relate to. Imagine a God who doesn’t push each little thing a certain direction, but participates somehow as each thing bounces off another in a cosmic, God-glorifying dance?

Scary, huh? Now we are talking the “fear of God.”

calvinism, chaos, christianity, Gregory Boyd, religion, theology

So much for doing this weekly, right?  I won’t commit to a weekly update post again, but just for kicks here are some recent highlights and best-of’s:

Celebrations
Krista and I celebrated our three-year anniversary the first week of this month. Now that we are expecting our first child, time seems to be flying by. But most every day I stop at some point and it registers with me again (probably when I’m looking at those gorgeous green eyes): I have it so very good.

To commemorate, we spent an evening out at Ruth’s Chris steakhouse. It’s been a long time since I’ve enjoyed a steak at that level. Add it to your list of restaurants for “special occasions” ASAP. In fact, here are a couple occasions you may consider:

• Cinco de Mayo (May 5th, to state the obvious) – I’m not sure how to say “Filet Mignon” in Spanish, but it would be worth figuring it out for their steaks.
• Mother’s Day (May 10th) – Even if you can’t bring mom along, this might be a great way to raise the glass to the one who always had grape juice handy when you said the magic word, “Juice!”

Holy Week
As I mentioned in my last post, Easter Sunday was very special for us at St. Bartholomew’s. After hearing about other services from a couple of people, we will be sure to attend all the Holy Week gatherings next year (rookie mistake).

On another church note, I was honored that St. B’s chose to print my Confirmed article in the April edition of The Branch, which came out this past Sunday. I don’t write these posts with the thought that an entire congregation will be reading them, so I was humbled that they would ask to print it!

Sporting Excitements
Even though the Predators didn’t make the playoffs, I’m still excited to begin watching what is arguably the most grueling journey to any professional sports championship: The Stanley Cup Playoffs.  I previously picked the San Jose Sharks, but it’s looking like Krista’s pick of the Canucks was the smarter play. The Sharks are down 0-2 in the series as of Tuesday.

Movie Anticipations
It’s been months since we’ve been to the theater to see a movie, but here are the top five Spring/Summer movies I’m looking forward to:

• The Soloist (April 24) – This may be one where the previews sucked me in, but it looks like a fantastic storyline.
• Star Trek (May 8 ) – I don’t know that I qualify as a Trekkie, but I’ve watched Star Trek since I was a kid.  Early reviews on this movie indicate a homerun.
• Terminator: Salvation (May 21) – Christian Bale as John Connor in the prequel.  My only question is, can you really designate one particular film in a time-travel series as a “prequel.”
• Public Enemies (July 1) – A movie about Depression-era outlaw John Dillinger, starring Johnny Depp. Looks spectacular, if you like a good gangster movie.
• S. Darko (July 10) – Though I will go in with a fair amount of skepticism, I can’t resist going to see this follow up to Donnie Darko, which is in my top 5 movies of all time. This one plays from the perspective of Donnie’s sister, Samantha, if I’m understanding the plot correctly. It has the potential to be a huge disappointment.

Blog Worthy
My friend Brian has started a blog based on an intriguing premise.  He limits each post to exactly 99 words, and titles each post using the acronym of the first sentence.  It’s a quick, but thought-provoking read.  Visit Habits of The Cold War sometime soon.

Barmers, best of, movies, Saint Bartholomew's Church

Looking back over the Lenten season, I wish I had been more intentional about the time to reflect and re-center myself on Christ. However, the biggest difference Lent made for me can be summed up in one word: awareness. So even though I was not faithful to carry out the fast I chose, God still was at work within me to make me more receptive to his Spirit. Every week, I would read, hear, or see something that pointed my attention directly to God.

Easter Sunday was the pinnacle of this. At the beginning of our first Episcopal Easter service, I was not having any deep, spiritual Easter thoughts. On the contrary, I was thinking about how I disliked the fact that this was the Sunday when a lot of people showed up out of a displaced sense of obligation. I was bemoaning the fact that people felt the need to dress up for Easter, as if the risen Christ was going to pass out awards for the best-dressed attendees.

I was in no mood for celebration and chose not to get my act together. Instead, I would present myself to God, as is.  Not long into the liturgy, I forgot my judgmental grievances and began to see Christ crucified, but alive and victorious. The songs, the prayers, the sermon, and the Eucharist each played a part in making me aware that this day was about something much more than my pet peeves.

Once again, I felt that God had shown me that worship is a grace act that God initiates. Once I chose to participate, my blinders quickly fell. My deadened senses were resurrected to smell, taste, see and hear the God of the universe, which is why resurrection Sunday is still resonating within me.

christianity, easter, family, religion, resurrection

Krista and I were confirmed this morning at Saint Bartholomew’s Church in Nashville this morning. For those not familiar with it, confirmation is an adult declaration that I’m a follower of Christ, with this community of believers. For us, it was a profound statement of belonging, marking a significant transition in our journey of faith.

Why the Anglican/Episcopal church? Why have I connected so easily here, when I have felt out of place in almost every other attempt to become part of a local congregation? What is it about this church that has resonated with me? I haven’t talked a whole lot about it except with a select few friends who aren’t befuddled by the idea, but I want to give some insight into what brought us to the point of such a decision.

To begin with, the worship at Saint Bartholomew’s has been a gift that I never realized I would enjoy so much. Having never worshiped using any structured liturgy, I wasn’t sure what to expect when we visited, but what I found was that the liturgy serves as a path to meaningful and authentic worship. It wasn’t in the way any more than dirt is in your way on a hiking trail. Once I accepted the role of the liturgy, it was refreshing to be led in that way.

Second, the service is rich with powerful Christian symbolism and is centered on Christ and the Word. The processional with the cross held high in the air reminds us of the power and efficacy of Christ’s death. The reading of the Gospels in the middle of the room compels us to view the Gospels as the central story of our lives. The common cup of the Eucharist represents the fact that we are all in need of the body and blood of Christ. When we make the sign of the cross we physically express the truth that we are crucified with Christ.

Throughout the service, the senses are flooded with signs of God’s truth. It’s hard to miss for those who are seeking.

Next, in the past I’ve had some difficulty with judging whether or not the music and the sermon are “good.” I don’t have the same trouble at St. B’s. The choir, organ, and band are all behind us in a balcony, so it’s clear to me that their role is not to perform songs, but to invite us to worship with them. They are one of the congregants, except that they get to play instruments and sing into a microphone. And the sermon is not the center focus of the service either. It’s part of a whole, with Christ at the center.

Finally, Anglican theology is another important part of why I feel so at home at Saint Bartholomew’s. In fact, the theology is why I like to tell people that I was Anglican before Krista and I came to this church; I just didn’t know it yet. I have found a strong likeness with how I view God and his Word.

There are four important tensions that Anglican theology seeks to maintain that I have also sought after:

• God’s immanence and God’s transcendence.
• The faith of the community and the faith of the individual.
• Theological openness and firmness.
• The role of our thoughts and our passions.

Over the past decade, connecting with a local church has been difficult for me (even while being on staff at a church for five years!). My friend Brian has tried to talk me out of my spiritual “hermit-ism” for a while now, gently presenting the value of being part of a community of believers who give us opportunity to serve and be served.

I had given up on the church as having any potential for this kind of connection, but God has disrupted my expectations again and I’m certain that we have found a home and a tribe at Saint Bartholomew’s. We have claimed them as our family and they have done the same for us. We’ve not met a lot of people there as of yet, but somehow we already feel a sense of belonging within the Body of Christ.

Do you think that’s confirmation enough?

anglicanism, christianity, church, liturgy, religion, Saint Bartholomew's Church

My friend Eric Lackey told me that when he and his wife left the hospital after the birth of his son, he looked down at this tiny human being in his arms and said, “They’re just gonna let us walk outta’ here with this?”

In just over three months, we will be taking home a newborn baby from the hospital and will probably be asking the same question. I’m reading a book right now by Stephen James and David Thomas titled Becoming a Dad. It’s been good to think through the questions they ask with each chapter.  Some of the better questions include:

• Do I want to be a father?
• What if I screw up another person’s life?
• What if my house is too small?
• What if something terrible happens to my child?
• How do I prepare?

Along with the the questions have come some guidance from the authors, both of whom are therapists and fathers. They’ve brought up two important ideas which have reverberated in my mind this week.

First, my role as a husband is my first priority, since “the most effective thing we as men can do as parents is commit to growing an maturing as husbands.” As all-consuming as this newborn will be during the days ahead, if I lose focus on my priority role as a husband, then I will be less of a father.

The second point is about whether or not I’m ready for this. For most situations, I don’t like going in unprepared if something is going to be expected of me.  I hate impromptu speeches or time-sensitive situations that require a quick decision without all the facts. But put me in front of a group of 10,000 with all my ducks in a row, and I’ll be fine. With just a few months to go before Jude’s arrival, I can say with all confidence that the ducks are scattered all over the place with little hope of lining up nice and neat any time soon.

So I’m not ready, and I won’t be in June. But that’s okay.

There are some good books out there on being a parent and everyone has an opinion about the best way to do things. Fact is, nobody has universal expertise on raising children.  What worked for them might turn your home into a portable zoo. With every parent I talk to, it is becoming increasingly clear that this venture into parenthood is full of mystery, wonder, and unpredictability.  The authors of Becoming a Dad made it clear that I have “some idea about what to expect and no idea at all.”

Ultimately, they are not trying to provide a definite answer book on dadhood, but they have done a fine job of breaking apart some of my naivete and misguided expectations, while also giving me hope that the difficulties ahead are filled with purpose, even if that’s hard to see with only a few hours of sleep.

And yes, I’m savoring every zzzzz while I’ve got them.

babies, becoming a dad, family, fatherhood, marriage, parenthood, pregnancy

When I renamed this blog to its current title, the idea was to exalt and recognize the value of questions. In a typical week, I’m processing almost everything I experience through a filter of who-what-when-where-why questions. I can’t turn it off. I question everything.

Unfortunately, sometimes questions are misused. You may have heard a friend, a spouse, or a parent ask in frustration, “Why did you do that?” Chances are, they aren’t really looking for an answer if you just did something stupid. At it’s worst, these kinds of questions mask condemnation toward the beliefs or actions of others. Instead of being a means to seek greater understanding, they become barbs––cheap replacements for good communication.

Other times, we avoid questions completely. Difficult questions about life and God leave us unsettled, and it’s much easier to accept simple answers that only soothe our fear of not having an answer. (If the thing we fear most is not having all the right answers, I’ve got bad news: our greatest fears have been realized.)

The ability to ask good questions is a strength. Good questions move us forward in our desire to discover new knowledge and rediscover old truths.

Even for the most utilitarian needs, asking the right question is vital. If your car breaks down and you are mechanically-inclined, you ask, “What tools do I need to fix this myself?”

The same applies for matters closest to the heart. If you are having trouble with a rebellious teenager, you ask, “How can I relate to her and still be a good parent through this?” If you are experiencing difficult times and feel distant from God, but can’t shake the idea that God exists, you may start by asking “Where is God?” as a way to open the door to honest prayer and introspection.

Questions appear throughout the Psalms. Their honesty is raw and unfiltered:

Why, O LORD, do you stand afar off?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
Psalm 10:1

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
(The same question Jesus uttered in his darkest suffering)
Psalm 22:1

For you are the God in whom I take refuge; why have you rejected me?
Why do I go about mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?
Psalm 43:2

My eyes long for your promise; I ask, “When will you comfort me?”
Psalm 119:82

Many of these kinds of questions appear at the beginning of a psalm. They seem to serve as a beginning place not for disbelief, but for seeking God. It’s the question, the painful cry of a searching heart, that opens the heart of the seeker to receive from God what God offers.

At times, questions are difficult and cause temporary dissension with those we are close to, but ultimately, our minds and hearts can open up more freely to God and to others when we ask.

“…the door shall be opened.”

christianity, discipleship, psalms, questions, religion

As some of you know, Krista and I have been testing the waters of the Anglican tradition lately. I’ll write more on that in a future post, but suffice it to say that the liturgy has brought us a fresh hope and a renewed heart for worshipping God.

Like many denominations, the rapidly changing culture of the past 50 years has resulted in some crisis within the Anglican leadership. One of the issues being talked about right now is evangelism. Some wish to make an official statement from the top about how converting people to Christianity is a major aim for the Anglican churches.

This has ruffled a few feathers because of those who are concerned that such a statement may result in the opposite effect: damaging relations with other religions.

Having been a Christian since childhood, I don’t have a very good frame of reference for this conversation, but I think a lot about how the way of Christ looks to those peering in.

As I was scanning news about Anglicanism, an article about evangelism from The Guardian in the U.K. caught my eye. The author believes that “conversion is hardly ever about intellectual conviction, whether it is to or away from Christianity. . . It is overwhelmingly about joining a tribe or a people and about shifting affections and allegiances rather than ideas. Conversion to Christianity or to Islam results when people find a tribe or a family they want to belong to…”

While I don’t share his cynicism toward the intellectual struggle that goes along with conversion, I was intrigued by his statement that it “is overwhelmingly about joining a tribe.”

Perhaps we should consider more carefully how much this plays into how the Gospel is presented, whether in word or deed.

If he’s right, evangelism is very much an act of demonstrating to others that our “tribe” is one that is bonded together in the grace, love, and mercy of God. I think our biggest problem with regard to evangelism is not our ability to answer all the tough theological questions and give a logical presentation of how to be saved. The intellectual concerns are important, but they are as a “clanging cymbal” if there is no evidence that our tribe, our family, is one that welcomes the work of God and lives out his redemption in our relationships, as difficult as they can be.

So it matters what we say and how we respond to people. This is a real problem for me.

I would rather not be anywhere near most people. If I could hide in a cave and disappear, I would. It’s easier. People annoy me. I annoy me. It’s simply a matter of preferring not to be annoyed.

But I have been called out. Out of the cave, and into the lives of others. Because I’m an introvert, that won’t mean that I’m investing in large numbers of people at once. But those God has brought across my path carry God’s word to me, and I carry that word to them. It’s an exchange of strength that happens in a marriage between believers and between two Christ-following friends.

That’s the kind of interaction that the world is rarely exposed to. But it may be what they most need to see: Christ alive and at work in the middle of our messy (and sometimes annoying) relationships.

agnosticism, anglicanism, atheism, christianity, church, evangelism, religion

Krista and I went to Vanderbilt Women’s Imaging Center for an ultrasound today to find out the whether our baby is a boy or a girl. Some would say that it’s better to wait for the surprise at the birth, but we just figured that we would have the same surprise, five months earlier.

Not everyone enjoys an ultrasound video, especially when it’s someone else’s kid. However, we tried to spice this one up a little, and it’s of reasonable length. Want to skip to the plot resolution? Go to about halfway (1:15 into the video) to find out the gender of the Barmer weeble.

Continue…

baby, family, ultrasound